Total Eclipse of That One ?

What is the greatest threat to the American economy today? Greedy Wall Street Masters of the Universe? Fear Itself ? "Nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance?" For my younger readers "Fear Itself" is not an awful indy rock band.

No--John MCain says it's science. Here in September John McCain spoke about "planetariums and other foolishness." As a purest, McCain is not limiting his attacks to stars like Paris Hilton (who is still running against him and has been endorse by Former Fake President Jed Bartlet in this clip), he is also attacking the study of the heavenly stars as well.

When you need trillions for defense and a couple few trillions to keep out of debtor's prison (today McCain made a Freudian slip when he addressed a rally as "my fellow prisoners") who can afford the frills of education? Particularly if it's as controversial a subject as the study of the cosmos !






Science

November Voting: Ignore the man behind the curtain pulling the Levers ?

After "it" hit the fan in the presidential vote count in Florida in 2000, the government thought we needed some "sweeping reforms" to sweep"it" all up. With great creative imagination, the government decided that what was needed was--hold your breath--there's a surprise coming up that will shock and awe you--another bureaucracy. Voila--the United States Election Assistance Commission--with a broad mandate and a tiny checkbook. It seems Congress forgot to fund the agency---and no brooms=no sweeping.

The United States Election Assistance Commission described here is supposed to make sure that we have no electoral deadlocks, confusing ballots that record septuagenarians in Florida voting to end social security or erly bird specials, and machines that actually work. So, how's it going? It isn't.

The tax and spend Republicans (only in favor of taxing and spending when they're in power) figured that another Federal bureaucracy was just the thing we needed so they created one in the Help America Vote Act (HAVA). But they didn't HAVA clue how to accomplish their goal. So, is the assistance they give you a ride to the poll? Nooo, guess again. Will they make it easier to register? Nooo guess again, they'll make it harder! You'll need ID, voter cards (National ID?) and the like, because we sure can let the wrong people vote!

The Commission wanted "hit the ground running" which is Federal bureaucrat talk for not taking three years to come up with an organization chart. Instead they hit the grounds, since they had to meet in a Starbucks (*$$) until Congress found them some space and money.

They're supposed to be certifying and testing voting machines, but the results so far are comparable to the FDA on tomato safety.

Perhaps they're busy doing a mission statement or coming up with a motto: "Were the Federal Election Assistance Commission--and we'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?"

Garbage In, Boy George songs Out!

Yes, Boy George, British rock/pop singer will perform at the Department of Sanitation’s annual Family Day on August 16th in New York. He will entertain New York's Cleanest as thanks for the kindness that they showed him when he was doing community service cleaning the streets under a court sentence. Then he returned to making music or, as it is known to us community disservice.

Civil War Claims Another Victim

The American Civil War has claimed one more victim if you're scoring at home.
A collector of Civil War relics was restoring a civil war cannon ball when it exploded and the shrapnel killed him, according to this report.

BOWLING IS RACIST

Hillary Clinton keeps pointing out that Barack Obama is a poor bowler--and Barack responds that she is playing the race card again. Bowling is a racist sport, he says, because the object is to cause a forcible collision between wooden, club like objects and black balls.

IN DEFENSE OF SILENT CLARENCE THOMAS

People have castigated Justice Clarence Thomas because he has asked no questions in court for two years, or roughly 730 "media years." He last asked a question from the bench on Feb. 22, 2006--when Rumsfeld was still running the war with optimism and Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were rumored to be planning to wed--i.e., ancient times. This post is intended to defend his position. Justice Thomas, unlike many people who talk when they have nothing to say, spares us that situation. After all, he gets paid the same amount whether he asks questions or not, so there's no money in it for him as he has actually reminded us.
"Silence is golden" as the old saw goes, so why talk without remuneration? Justice Thomas makes money giving lecturers on the lecture tour, so why spoil the suspense of what you will say when there's cash on the barrel head by blabbering gratis? He got a cool million and a half for the book he wrote, which proves his silence strategy pay$ off.
And what would he say? Don't we know already? ("I'll have what Scalia's having?") He's written a book in which he appears to very bitter about his upbringing and his schooling, and if he were to prattle on about that we wouldn't want to hear it anyhoo, so he's saved us the annoyance. Remember the saing "Better to keep your mouth closed and be thought a fool than to open it and remove all doubt"? It may come from this Bible verse at Proverbs 17:28 : Even a fool, when he holdeth his peace, is counted wise:

and he that shutteth his lips is esteemed a man of understanding.

Everyone knows Calvin Coolidge because he was silent Cal. Thomas will gain notoriety for being Silent Clarence. Can you recall any characteristic of Justice Harold Burton?

US to Invade Taiwan? (Batteries Not Included)

The US has definitely confirmed that Taiwan posessed the starter kits for weapons of mass destruction. They're fuses for the nose cones of nuclear tipped missiles that the US sent them by mistake when they ordered helicopter batteries.

Now that the Taiwanese (the irritating pebble in China's shoe) have weapons of mass destruction, the Bush administration will have to look at some preemptive strike against them. Or ask for them nose cones back. The batteries and the missiles are not alike in size and shape, and no one knows how this could happen (unless you ever ordered something from a company online and didn't get the thing you ordered). No one knows why the government wasn't aware it was missing highly classified weapons. No one knows why the recipients didn't just slap a Fed Ex return address sticker and send them back COD, either. The nose cones were placed in storage-- perhaps awaiting a glorious Chinese New Years when they'd make a big fireworks display.

No one knows why the Bush administration didn't use these guys(Fed Ex's brother, Fred Ex?) to ship missile parts to Iraq so they could find some there when they got there.
My theory is that they found jobs for all those dufasses they ousted from FEMA at obscure Defense Department warehouses in Wyoming and Utah-- far from New Orleans. What possible harm could they do there? The fuses that were sent were shipped in 2005 and not missed despite quarterly inventories. No one explained if the helicopters were grounded for three years waiting for the batteries either! This is a story with more questions than answers--and I expect the investigation will keep going, and going and going like the Energizer bunny.

It was just a simple, understandable error--ya want Tibet to bet? Maybe they thought the Taiwanese ordered a missile battery--the phone connnection was really bad.

A good deed that doesn't go unpunished.

A girl who stopped a runaway school bus full of elementary school children was given her just due by the School District--Saturday detention. It seems that the girl was supposed to be in school at the time and not hitching a ride home because she didn't feel well.
Maybe they'll give her a medal--while she's in detention.

The Great Debate

Lincoln and Douglas have nothing on the great Latkes v. Hamentashen debate. Which is the ultimate holiday food? There is a book on the subject, debated annually at the University of Chicago. One website (above) proposed these topics for discussion:

• Shape: Two hamantashen glued together to form one of the ultimate Jewish symbols – the Star of David. BUT The latke is the circle of life!
• Name: Hamentashen, stands for ears of Haman. "Would you like to eat the ears of the villain?" Latke is Yiddish for pancake - can you be more Jewish?
• Health: "The latke could be an easily banned substance in New York City" (trans fat ban)
• Popularity: "Citing Google, which returns an impressive 380,000 hits on a search for "latke" and only 62,000 for "hamantaschen"
• Literary: "But soft, what latke through yonder window breaks?"
• Materialist-Feminist (Penn): "For women, it is clear that hamentashen offer far more scope for self-realization, egalitarian relations, and social progress than do latkes."
• Variety: Hamentaschen have so many variations (prune, fig, jelly, apricot) while Latkes are burnt or not burnt
• Duration: Last time I checked you get 8 days of Latkes, and only 1 of Hamentashen (2 if you are in Jerusalem)
• Dressing: Latkes rely on apple sauce or Sour Cream for taste, while Hamentaschen can stand on their own.
• Taste: You be the Judge.

EXIT POLLS SAY.....

"I shoot for the stars, and often hit Senators." Werner Von Bush

The Sub Prime Loan Gunman, paranoid blogger of Conspiracy theories, reports that the missile fired in the Pacific that was ostensibly aimed at a falling spy satellite veered off course and took down the helicopter carrying three Democratic Senators that oppose the Bush Administration. Is it a coincidence that the helicopter went down the same day they shot at the satellite? There are no coincidences if you're just paranoid enough.

Miss Congeniality

Miss Congeniality? Yes, I do.

Mitt "Mittens" Romney has dropped out! Now we're poor little kittens who've lost our mittens!

Hillarycare--what's deductable about it?/ Uniting the Republicans?

I was watching MSNBC (which is NBC with a bad case of Microsoft) and some snide Republican commentator talked about Hillarycare. I don't think he was comparing it to Republicandon'tcare....
There is one candidate that does seem to be able to united the Republicans and engerize their base--Hillary Clinton.

My Client's Signing Statement

Recently I settled a case for a client. The other side drafted an agreement along the traditional lines: he admits certain things, agrees the other side did nothing wrong, agrees that the agreement is no precedent for anything and cannot be used in any other forum, each side would not make statements about the settlement or disparage the other side, etc. We put the agreement on the record in front of the judge. Then the client said he wanted to make a statement "for the record." He proceeded to say that he was not guilty of anything, the other side was, that they were unfair and coerced this settlement, and were generally disreputable individuals with the slipperyness of the most amoral of the Medici.
The judge told him he could not do that if he signed the agreement. He told the judge he had seen on TV that President Bush just signed a bill that said the US could not build permanent bases in Iraq, and then issued a signing statement that he could build permanent bases in Iraq. If the president could sign something and repudiate it at the same time almost 600 times in signing statements, then so could he.
The judge could not persuade him the president had the power to say what he was signing was not what he was going to do.

New Description?

This blog is considering changing it's description to: "There's lies, damn lies, and political campaigns."

Obama Campaign

The word on the street is that Barack Obama has only made Oprah one specific promise if he is elected president. He'll put her picture on the $ 100 bill.

And now this ad from a firm of Canadian Divorce Lawyers

It's their party, and you'll cry if they want you to.

Dennis Kucinich has failed in his attempt to get on the Texas Democratic primary ballot because he refused to take an oath that he would support the eventual nominee of the party in the general election. He has no problem with an oath about many of the candidates, it's the affirmation part of the oath that he's got troubles with. Let's keep this in mind and see how strong the losers in the primary will support the ultimate winner--is Gravel on that ballot?
How long is the oath good for? Was Sen. Joe Lieberman (Ind., former D., endorses and votes like an R.--Ct.) asked to do this in the last election?
Kucinich said that the oath infringed upon his freedom of speech, but after the Supremes did in the New York Judge who didn't want to give patronage to party hacks on the theory that the party is a private institution that can make it's own stupid rules (except for maybe that sign on the clubhouse "No Girls Allowed") what did you expect?
It's too bad the oath didn't include nasty comments about fellow Democrats leading up to the primary, but you can't have everything.
Since the Supreme Court has held that electors who are pledged to a candidate don't really have to vote for that candidate, and the delegates elected to the Democratic convention are only pledged for the first ballot, how binding do you think the oath would be? Maybe if Kucinich didn't support the ultimate candidate of the Democrats he'd have to forfeit his Texas delegates. Or, since it's Texas, the state with by far the most executions in the country and it involves Washington, D.C. --maybe it's a capital/capitol offense.

Luck be a (1)lady, (2) black man, (3) son of a millworker?

A Nevada judge is letting the Democrats caucus at casinos on Saturday because, hey, the while thing is a crap shoot, anyway.

Mr. and Ms. Celaneous

Aren't some Chinese toy companies the true alchemists? They turned lead into gold...Wal-mart is getting ahead of the curve and plans a new spring line of jeans for the coming recession--"recessive jeans"...Mike Huckabee told an interviewer than when he was in college he used to cook fried squirrel in a popcorn popper. You can see why he's on the Colbert Report and not Martha Stewart. I'd stay away from the potluck dinner rallies his supporters hold for awhile.

Useless S A Today

Today it was reported that scientists have created a beating rat's heart by reviving a dead rat's heart--just in case you think there are too many dead rats out there that need a second chance. The Republicans have promised many more new jobs for Michigan. I didn't know they needed that many Wal-marts there.

Fashion Police: "Orange is not the new black at the Supreme Court"

Inside the Supreme Court the judges wear black. Friday, outside the Supreme Court 80 people in orange jump suits (meant to replicate those of the the government's involuntary guests at the Guantanamo Bay Extended Stay Marriott with Exercise Courtyard) protested and shut the place down momentarily. They don't get to have their say (only the judges do) on the court's steps or inside because of D.C. ordinances. They were arrested (not by the Fashion Police) proving that orange is not the new black this season. Those outfits are so ugly it's nothing short of criminal.
An ordinance forbids haranges and orations inside the court house--which, judging from Justice Thomas' angry autobiography, may be the reason he doesn't say much when cases are argued.

Is Huckabee Williams Jennings Bryan Reincarnated?

George Santayana observed that those who do not remember the past are condemned to repeat it (usually in summer school in an unairconditioned classroom with a disgruntled history teacher, but I digress).I would point out to the Republicans that there once was a candidate from the heartlands with conservative but populist ideas, claiming to be a man of the common folk ("The Great Commoner") who stood up in court to advocate that the Bible was literally true and that evolution was not. But he was a Democrat, William Jennings Bryan--and he lost twice in the presidential elections. A lawyer from Nebraska, he was known as the Boy Orator of the Platte because people were captivated by his speech making style (although his opponents compared him to the Platte River--very shallow, and a mile wide at the mouth.) That was over a hundred years ago, so memories of it may faded in the Bible colleges of the plains. It has been said that history repeats itself (like an indigestible meal?), first as tragedy, and then as farce (and a third time as a minseries on the History Channel, and a fourth time unrecognizably in an Oliver Stone movie, and a fifth time...help! Stop me !)(Actually an indigestible meal repeats itself first as trajectory and then as farts--but I digress!)
Will the Republicans inherit the Windbag?

Big news on Britney front

The big news on the Britney Spears front today is that there is no news. No car in the street, no nervous breakdown, no missed appointment with Dr. Phil, no fights with her ex, no dropping her kids on their noggins. Maybe she just took the day off. Athough there is a rumor that she has taken up with a member of the paparazzi. Is there such a thing as a mamarazzi?

Job hunting?

George Bush is in the Middle East now where many jobs for Americans in the petroleum industry are located. In January he's going to be looking for a job. Coincidence?

Do I hear a quarter?

In his autobiography Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas says he stores his Yale Law degree in his basement with a 15-cent sticker from a cigar package on the frame. He says that's what it's worth.
Sadly, many lawyers concur with that assessment of Thomas' legal education.

Voter ID--Intrusive? M. L. E. Litella speaks....

The headlines say that the Supreme Court heard a case about Voters ID. The Civil Libertine opponents say that it is too intrusive and an invasion of privacy. I agree that the government ought to leave our ids alone--and our egos, too.
What's that you say?
Oh!
Never mind.

Dr. Phil --Shouldn't he be on strike ,too?

Dr. Phil, the afternoon Couch on many Couch Potatoes' Tubes, has struck out with Britney Spears. She has refused to go on his show --apparently his fees were too high or she just wouldn't get on a couch with him. (See my account at supremecourtjester.blogspot.com.) And speaking of strikes, shouldn't he be on one?After all he writes on occasion even if it's only a Dr. Re-Phil.
Perhaps he can resolve the writers' strike by intervening there where he was also not invited. He could get into the egos and Superegos and gianteconomysize egos of the participants, highlight the psychological failings of each, and then resolve the strike with a big group hug.

Iowa in Perspectctive

Iowa is not the rest of the country people--so calm down. In 1988 Evangelical Pat Robertson was second ahead of George Bush with 25% of the vote--the most liberal of the Democrats, Dick Gephardt won on the Democratic side.

On the Singing Beat--Turning the Beat Around

Speaking of turining the beat around, Britney Spears was deposed in LA today. We don't mean deposed as the Queen of Pop, since that was an abdication. We mean that the lawyers for Kevin Federline tried to question her in the pending child custody case. The name of her law firm (No kidding-- check out the Daily News website) is Trope and Trope. A trope is a play on words--so here goes. As the famous quotation from the Book of Isaiah (carved into the hall at the UN) says: and they shall beat their swords into plowshares, and their Spears into pruning hooks." Look out Britney and Jamie Lynn--the lawyers are out to beat you (into pruning hooks) in court.

Send them registered male.

Did you hear that Paris Hilton registered for gifts from the sex offenders registry?

Electoral Shenanigains

President Musharraf has announced that he is seeking help to solve the Bhutto murder. He has called upon Scotland Yard to get famed detective Sherlock Holmes and Miss Marple to solve the mystery. If they're successful, he'll ask Law & Order D.A. Jack Mc Coy to prosecute the perps...The validity of the Kenyan vote counting process was called into question today when it was announced y the Kenyan Election Commission that incumbent president Mbeki had also won the Democratic caucus in Iowa.

Seasons Greetings

Click on photo for close up.

Must See T.V.-- My "Knights of the Found Table."

am currently developing my Saturday morning cartoon show–“Knights of the Found Table.” It begins when one of the participants at the Arab-Israeli Oslo Accords curses the table at which the peace agreement is reached. The curse causes the table to make upsetting noises, and it is known as the “Groaning Table.” It gets discarded and set out on the curb as trash.
The table is found by beautiful Sierra Chubb, a young lady looking to reduce her carbon footprint (and furnish her apartment cheap) by recycling. The curse that was pronounced provided that the table would make mournful noises (it was a distressed table) until it was kissed by a princess (or other royalty) who truly wanted world peace. Sierra is a former beauty queen contestant–so, of course, she had said that what she wants most in life is world peace. In the Right to Life Beauty Contest she was crowned Miss Conception of 2007. She was so happy to find the table she kissed it, and was transformed into Opening Knight of the Found Table. Because the Found Table escaped a curse, it has magical powers, and attracts The Knights of the Found Table.

The Knights include:

Knight of the Iguana–Sir Richard (“Tim” ) Burton, formerly a V.A. Gardener, now turned adventurer;
Knight of the Living Dead–who is brain dead from watching too much T.V. but is unaware of his handicap;
Silent Knight–who never speaks because he has a space where his mouth should be (Also known as the Hole-y Knight);
Darkest Knight– an entertainer who always appears (on the bill) just before (Tony Orlando) and Dawn;
MidSummer’s Knight- the knight who’s seen only in your dreams–when you wish upon a star;
Bogie Knight–formerly known as the Disco Kid with his companion Pawn Cho--his squire, and the winner of the Squire Dubious Achievement Award of 2007,
Over Knight–A guest who comes to party at your place and never leaves;
Krystal Knight–a female knight from Germany who destroys things that are clear because she does not see;
Three Dog Knight–A descendant of Cerberus, the three headed dog that guards the gates of Hades,-- this knight’s three heads are Old Shuck–the Hound of the Baskervilles, Lassie, and the head that actually speaks–Gidget, the Taco bell Chihuahua;
Election Knight–Who speaks in long, drawn out but predictable sentences, but whose predictions are sometimes hasty;
Twelfth Knight–The knight in the seat numbered 12 at the Found Table–the Siege Perilous, also known as the Hot Seat, because fellow knights often give its occupant a hot foot,
Knight of the Long Knives, a knight from Japan whose name is Ginzu,
Endless Knight–who got his sobriquet because of his curiously flat gluteus maximus,
and Tenderis, the Knight–the official photographer of the knight’s exploits, whose everyday identity is photographer “F Stop” Fitzgerald.
Stay tuned for their adventures.

For ReLie Able Forsight use.......