Crime Time : From the Ridiculous to the... More Ridiculous

This blog's Senior Criminal Reporter Cicily Anne DiSizst reports from Woolworth Correctional Facility where she is doing five to ten with time off for good behavior (time and a half off for good behavior on weekends and holidays under the FLSA--The Fair Long Sentences Act) on two unusual crime stories in this week's news.

In the first, a bank on Long Island was robbed by a gun toting Darth Vader. It's not so unusual that Vader would rob a bank--after all he does come from the Dark Side (so called because black is the new black and the old black there--you'll never catch him dead in plaid), and his investments in toxic mortgages and Lehman Bros. stock meant that his Imperial Army pension and the mortgage on the Death Star went into Garbage Compactor 3263827 years ago. What was unusual is that he used a gun and not a light saber.

Light sabers have become less desirable as weapons with which to rob a bank because their power has been greatly diminished ever since the Empire's mandate to reduce one's carbon footprint meant that light sabers light source had to be converted to LED's.

The second reason is that the Supreme Court's decision about the Second Amendment in McDonald v. Chicago confirmed the Constitutional right to bring a gun into in a bank. If you're going to withdraw cash from a bank whether by means of a withdrawal slip or by a six shooter, you will need a weapon to defend yourself from others who are there to withdraw your cash from your person in a similar manner (although there is generally no need to worry about the nonagenarian bank guard whose weapon contains no bullets).

Vader is currently on the run, but the cops have some clues. They'll be posting the above wanted poster soon; and detectives say it may not be long until the police force will be with him.

The second story (Cecily DiSizst is doing time for being a second story man) involves a police dog who was recently suspended for an unprovoked attack on a schnauzer. The latter was in violation of a leash law and had stopped to frisk, sources told Di Sizst. The German Shepherd named Dax, whose bite is reported to be worse than his bark, was required to attend an anger management course, according to the course provider, Anthony Anger. The dog's medical insurance, Blue Lacy Cross and Blue Lacy Shield paid for the course; which was entitled "Temper and Distemper."

Because of the stress of the police work, many police dogs begin to drink heavily and act out. Some are said to have issues that go back to birth order in the litter. "The job requires you to have the patience of a Saint Bernard," says Dog Psychiatrist Rex Charles-Spaniel.

If Dax misbehaves again, under the doctrine of progressive discipline he faces possible harsher sanctions such being demoted to "cat," or having his dog license suspended or revoked.

News B4 Its News

This blog is now alive again--the more "R" rated cousin of the Supremecourtjester, thanks to a miracle cure from a Libyan doctor who brought the Lockerbee bomber back from death's door just when everyone wanted to kick him through it...

Our exclusive sources have learned that Dannica Patrick is giving up her sponsorship by GoDaddy.com--the organization that promoted her through soft porn type images. Instead that website has been outbid by a true porn site-- CumDaddy.com, and she'll keep a firm grip on their grer shift lever from now on...

Total Eclipse of That One ?

What is the greatest threat to the American economy today? Greedy Wall Street Masters of the Universe? Fear Itself ? "Nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance?" For my younger readers "Fear Itself" is not an awful indy rock band.

No--John MCain says it's science. Here in September John McCain spoke about "planetariums and other foolishness." As a purest, McCain is not limiting his attacks to stars like Paris Hilton (who is still running against him and has been endorse by Former Fake President Jed Bartlet in this clip), he is also attacking the study of the heavenly stars as well.

When you need trillions for defense and a couple few trillions to keep out of debtor's prison (today McCain made a Freudian slip when he addressed a rally as "my fellow prisoners") who can afford the frills of education? Particularly if it's as controversial a subject as the study of the cosmos !






Science

November Voting: Ignore the man behind the curtain pulling the Levers ?

After "it" hit the fan in the presidential vote count in Florida in 2000, the government thought we needed some "sweeping reforms" to sweep"it" all up. With great creative imagination, the government decided that what was needed was--hold your breath--there's a surprise coming up that will shock and awe you--another bureaucracy. Voila--the United States Election Assistance Commission--with a broad mandate and a tiny checkbook. It seems Congress forgot to fund the agency---and no brooms=no sweeping.

The United States Election Assistance Commission described here is supposed to make sure that we have no electoral deadlocks, confusing ballots that record septuagenarians in Florida voting to end social security or erly bird specials, and machines that actually work. So, how's it going? It isn't.

The tax and spend Republicans (only in favor of taxing and spending when they're in power) figured that another Federal bureaucracy was just the thing we needed so they created one in the Help America Vote Act (HAVA). But they didn't HAVA clue how to accomplish their goal. So, is the assistance they give you a ride to the poll? Nooo, guess again. Will they make it easier to register? Nooo guess again, they'll make it harder! You'll need ID, voter cards (National ID?) and the like, because we sure can let the wrong people vote!

The Commission wanted "hit the ground running" which is Federal bureaucrat talk for not taking three years to come up with an organization chart. Instead they hit the grounds, since they had to meet in a Starbucks (*$$) until Congress found them some space and money.

They're supposed to be certifying and testing voting machines, but the results so far are comparable to the FDA on tomato safety.

Perhaps they're busy doing a mission statement or coming up with a motto: "Were the Federal Election Assistance Commission--and we'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?"

Garbage In, Boy George songs Out!

Yes, Boy George, British rock/pop singer will perform at the Department of Sanitation’s annual Family Day on August 16th in New York. He will entertain New York's Cleanest as thanks for the kindness that they showed him when he was doing community service cleaning the streets under a court sentence. Then he returned to making music or, as it is known to us community disservice.

Civil War Claims Another Victim

The American Civil War has claimed one more victim if you're scoring at home.
A collector of Civil War relics was restoring a civil war cannon ball when it exploded and the shrapnel killed him, according to this report.