This blog's Senior Criminal Reporter Cicily Anne DiSizst reports from Woolworth Correctional Facility where she is doing five to ten with time off for good behavior (time and a half off for good behavior on weekends and holidays under the FLSA--The Fair Long Sentences Act) on two unusual crime stories in this week's news.
In the first, a bank on Long Island was robbed by a gun toting Darth Vader. It's not so unusual that Vader would rob a bank--after all he does come from the Dark Side (so called because black is the new black and the old black there--you'll never catch him dead in plaid), and his investments in toxic mortgages and Lehman Bros. stock meant that his Imperial Army pension and the mortgage on the Death Star went into Garbage Compactor 3263827 years ago. What was unusual is that he used a gun and not a light saber.
Light sabers have become less desirable as weapons with which to rob a bank because their power has been greatly diminished ever since the Empire's mandate to reduce one's carbon footprint meant that light sabers light source had to be converted to LED's.
The second reason is that the Supreme Court's decision about the Second Amendment in McDonald v. Chicago confirmed the Constitutional right to bring a gun into in a bank. If you're going to withdraw cash from a bank whether by means of a withdrawal slip or by a six shooter, you will need a weapon to defend yourself from others who are there to withdraw your cash from your person in a similar manner (although there is generally no need to worry about the nonagenarian bank guard whose weapon contains no bullets).
Vader is currently on the run, but the cops have some clues. They'll be posting the above wanted poster soon; and detectives say it may not be long until the police force will be with him.
The second story (Cecily DiSizst is doing time for being a second story man) involves a police dog who was recently suspended for an unprovoked attack on a schnauzer. The latter was in violation of a leash law and had stopped to frisk, sources told Di Sizst. The German Shepherd named Dax, whose bite is reported to be worse than his bark, was required to attend an anger management course, according to the course provider, Anthony Anger. The dog's medical insurance, Blue Lacy Cross and Blue Lacy Shield paid for the course; which was entitled "Temper and Distemper."
Because of the stress of the police work, many police dogs begin to drink heavily and act out. Some are said to have issues that go back to birth order in the litter. "The job requires you to have the patience of a Saint Bernard," says Dog Psychiatrist Rex Charles-Spaniel.
If Dax misbehaves again, under the doctrine of progressive discipline he faces possible harsher sanctions such being demoted to "cat," or having his dog license suspended or revoked.
